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In my previous post, we took a look at what a trauma bonded relationship is. It was a more general article, explaining this phenomenon and introducing the concept. I would like to take this journey deeper now and take a look at some signs that you can be aware of in your own relationships.
While not every relationship will end in a trauma bond, it is important for everyone to be aware of the dynamics in this type of relationship. Being aware and understanding the signs could see you helping someone else in their relationship one day.
So, let’s get started!
A trauma-bonded relationship will usually take the form of an extremely intense relationship. This intensity will happen fairly quickly. It will result in isolation from loved ones and friends and a complete dependency on their partner. It is important to remember, that a trauma bonding relationship is reflective of an attachment created by repeated physical or emotional trauma with intermittent positive reinforcement.
So, while there is this intense dependency on the other person in the relationship, and while the world revolves around only these two people, it is in actual fact a rather ugly world. It involves some pretty abusive situations interspersed with a few loving and gentle moments. This cycle grows and festers and while the victim may see the abuse for what it is, they are drawn back into the relationship each time the loving behaviour is shown.
It is also important to remember that trauma bonding isn’t only happening in romantic relationships. You can see trauma bonding signs in dynamics that include school hazing, military training, kidnapping, child abuse, political torture, cults, prisoners of war, or concentration camps, and even in family relationships.
In the Background
To a person not caught in a relationship like this, this type of behaviour and relationship may seem foreign and hard to comprehend. You may even be asking “Why not simply leave?” Simply put, trauma bonding relationships occur because of the body’s natural stress response. When you become stressed, your body activates your sympathetic nervous system and your limbic system—or the part of the brain that regulates emotions and “motivated behaviors,” like hunger or sexuality.
Commonly known as the “fight or flight” stress response, this response cuts off the parts of our brain that do things like long-term planning or risk analysis in our prefrontal cortex. This is because our brain is purely focused on just getting us through the current trauma. This helps to explain why it is so easy to become attached to anything that helps you get through a traumatic event: your brain associates that thing or person with safety. So, when an abusive person decides to comfort you or apologize—even for a trauma they, themselves, put you through—your brain latches on to the positive reinforcement rather than thinks through the long-term effects of staying with the abuser.
Signs of a Trauma Bond Developing
Trauma-bonded relationships operate from a place of dysfunction and inconsistency. The foundation in these relationships is always manipulation. Trauma bonding can present in various forms of abuse: physical, emotional, and psychological. The following are some other signs that a trauma bond may be forming or may already exist.
- The relationship is moving at an accelerated pace
- You feel very close even though you haven’t known each other for very long
- You make huge life changes for a relatively new relationship
- You put time and effort into the romantic relationship at the cost of friendships and family and other relationships
- You have an extreme fear of leaving the relationship
- You feel like they’re the only one who can fulfill your needs
Trauma-bonded relationships are extremely serious, and should you feel you are caught in a cycle like this in one of your relationships, or may you feel that you know someone in a relationship like this, I would encourage you to reach out and seek professional help. These relationships are difficult to leave and difficult to deal with and can even be dangerous. Finding a professional to help you navigate these waters will assist in successfully ending the relationship.
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